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At the time of writing this, tremendous amounts of anxiety and therefore cortisol were pulsing through my brain.

I was worried about a goodbye.

I met a woman. And by met I mean developed feelings for.

I don’t like doing that, it’s capital N Never worked out well for me in the past.

And I had hoped it would work this time around, yet my gut is was saying run mother fucker, you ain’t got a chance.

It was hot, heavy and very intense from the begging.

And somehow, I knew this would happen…

…My first message to her was “Uh Oh…”

Somehow I just knew she was it.

And I was right.

Fuck.

The constant thinking about her, analyzing everything to judge where I stand currently in her mind, her actions in person, and her actions over text.

Then there’s analyzing if I even really like her and if we will work together, or is this just my anxious attachment style spinning up. It’s just so difficult to think rationally about a person, when I feel this way.

Fuck.

I was actively not seeking this, but it happed anyway.

All of me wanted to run, but I never do, I grit my teeth then jump in blindfolded and head first into what I’m pretty certain is a baby pool.

So how do we manage our brains in such an out of control hyper-active state?

No, seriously, I’m asking for advice….

But no, compared to when this happened last time, 5 or 6 years ago, I feel much more capable of handling the situation… and the potential aftermath.

My main focus is just letting go

Of the fear

Of the possibility of depression

Of the need for a life partner (This one is always lingering)

I started doing a great visualization the other day. I imagined a pool of water in a bowl and a handle connected to a ball that splashes the ball into the water whenever you move the lever down. Each time it unsettles the water and creates waves, the more vigorous and hard you move the handle, the greater the waves. The goal is to let the water be still. You’re in control of the lever.

All you have to do to make the water still….

Is let go!

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You’re the one with control of the handle, you just have to let go of it and it stops.

What I noticed, is it was hard for me to let go, I would keep grabbing the handle then moving it, violently splashing the water, making enormous waves.

Which was the anxiety.

And how hard I was pumping showed me how great my anxiety was/is.

So I need to completely let go of my fear of saying goodbye to her…

…whenever goodbye does happen.

Goodbyes are hard because of the experiences that preceded them. I'm reminding myself that the experience I've had with this woman so far has been more than worth the choking anxiety and debilitating depression that followed.

Becuase goodbye’s are only painful when what came before them was something special.